July 15th 2014, “Which doll are you trying to fit?”

My dearest angel Ruby, it has been 2 days now since we said good bye and it’s taken me some time to sit down and continue writing for you. I know you won’t ever get to read these letters now, and that’s okay, but in the chance that you are looking over my shoulder I still want you to know about your brief amazing life here on earth.
Daddy and I knew this meeting was coming. I had called Nurse Barb that morning to check in on you as soon as I woke up, just like I did every day. She had told me that you were not doing well, your blood gasses were insanely high and you were on maximum support and still falling behind. We rushed to the hospital and I knew as soon as I laid eyes on you it was time to think about the one thing I never wanted to do. The doctor described to us how you were starving for air as a person with asthma would during an attack, only this was your everyday life. Instantly I felt a wave of guilt, I made you suffer like this. I was trying so hard to keep up hope that I didn’t pay attention to the signs that you were so uncomfortable. The doctor and nurse looked between Daddy and I as our heart broke in front of them. How do you plan to say good bye to a baby? We agreed that Friday would be the day we return you to heaven. How do we even say those words out loud? Nurse Barb and I went to check how much milk you had stored up for the upcoming days, this was when I saw just how much she cared for you. She is a very strong woman, you could feel it in her presence. She cried with me in that room and told me how strong I was and how much she loved you. My heart broke even more at that moment.
So many thoughts ran through my mind. I needed to find you that perfect dress I had intended to find before you decided to arrive on our own schedule. I hated that I had to go do this. With a heavy heart and salt stained eyes we headed out to Natick to find a dress for a 14inch baby to wear when she gains her wings. How do you decide the first and last outfit for your little girl? We walked through the stores trying to find something perfect, which landed us in American Girl Doll store. I took a chance that they might have something we could work with given your size. Aunt Taylor wandered away in search of the perfect dress for you. It was as if the dress was made for you. She held it up and took out the matching ballet slippers as we tried to gauge how big it was and whether it would fit. I must say asking a sales woman what size their smallest doll was, could have easily been the most awkward conversation. When she asked which doll we were trying to find a dress for the only word I could find were “neither”. The dress was cut for a 15 inch doll and the shoes were about the size of daddy’s thumb, which we knew was about the size of your foot. Obviously the matching tights were not going to work since they were already 2x the length of your legs without stretching, plus, I always hated tights and it’s July. I tried so hard not to cry while Daddy paid for your dress. I wanted to run out of there screaming.
We decided after we found the dress to get something to eat, and get Daddy a beer. I had realized over the last 2 days that my body knew something was amiss. I had stopped being able to produce as much milk for you, but thankfully I knew there was plenty frozen stores away from the days I was getting a lot. I decided I wanted a glass of vodka to dull my ache temporarily. We each sipped our drinks through dinner, I got a few looks from the waitstaff mainly disbelief that a girl of 5’2″ just ordered vodka straight and was actually drinking it. Before I knew it we were cruising back down the pike toward Brookline to bring Aunt Taylor home.
Aunt Sara and Great grandma Marie were coming the next day, along with Aunt Carol, Uncle Kevin and Your cousin Christian. Daddy and I knew we had to keep it together, we didn’t want anyone to mourn over you while you were still with us. I had a long talk with nurse Kirby, she promised to hold your hand through the night and told me how she always sits at your bedside with her hand on your head to make you feel loved and safe. She is normally so energetic and happy but this night I could feel the pain in her voice through the phone. You really made an impact on everyone Ruby.
That night Daddy and I laid in bed trying to process the days events. I put in a movie we both loved from the 80’s and shortly after, daddy and I were asleep, exhausted from 2 weeks of emotion. We do not regret one second of this journey with you Ruby. We are so grateful to have had the time we were given and to have been able to make those 2 weeks memorable. It is not just Daddy and I that lost you, it’s everyone. You have changed the way everyone sees life and the world around them. I can only hope moms and dads around the world will hold their little ones ( and the big ones) extra tight. Children are such a gift, and we were so blessed to have you for 16 days to hold and kiss even if you made faces and pushed us away. We love you so much Ruby, and even though you are not here with us, that love will never fade. Rest now sweet angel, mommy and daddy will see you again.